NY Mag Promotes Regretting Having Kids (Simone Thinks It’s A Good Idea)

Today on Based Camp, we go over the accounts of women who reportedly regret having kids, as covered by New York Magazine, and discuss why they’re so miserable.

Among other things, we explore:

* How the hardest phase is often the early years, especially infancy and toddlerhood, and that regret can be heavily shaped by sleep deprivation, pain, and the shock of being the default caregiver

* How the same events can feel unbearable or manageable depending on whether a person frames them negatively or as part of a meaningful life project

* The utility of thinking through failure modes in advance, building contingency plans, and explicitly discussing logistics before having children rather than relying on vague social assumptions

* How if someone dislikes themselves or their partner, that unhappiness often gets magnified through children because kids reflect both parents

* How online communities like “regretful parents” can reinforce misery by rewarding negative storytelling, though they acknowledge that some parents are genuinely unsupported and hurting

Ultimately, parent regret is often driven less by children themselves and more by a mix of poor preparation, weak reasons for having kids, lack of support, bad partner fit, and untreated personal issues like depression, anxiety, ADHD, or body image problems.

Many of these risks can be headed off by brutally honest parenting discussions, early planning, and choosing parenthood deliberately rather than as a default life stage

Episode Notes

* A lot of conservative-leaning influencers are talking about an article in the New York Times, part of The Cut’s “Oh, Baby” series

* Broadly speaking, they’re trashing NY Mag for discouraging motherhood and/or trashing the mothers for various reasons

* Though some, like Brett Cooper, have more balanced takes: she argues that the viral “I regret having children” discourse is really about unsupported, isolated mothers and bad matching in marriage, not mothers hating their kids

* I disagree with all the takes I’ve seen though

* This article is great

* These accounts are super important

* Anyone who is serious about kids should read them—and more

Here’s why:

* The best way to get through something tough is to:

* Have a strong reason for having kids

* Understand where things go wrong

* Heading off serious issues, especially with your first child in their first years, makes the difference between hating parenthood and wanting a huge family

* A positive experience with first kids was the top common factor Dr. Catherine Ruth Pakaluk identified when interviewing college-educated American mothers of over five kids

* We, personally, have experienced a lot of the negative things (or rough equivalents) the mothers in this article experienced, but because we had a strong “why” behind having kids and we had prepared for a lot of the potential downsides, we were able to weather the hazards

What we would encourage:

* Going through r/regretfulparents and cataloging all the things that go wrong

* Building contingency plans for those things

* We did this with our relationship—in building our relationship contract—and prospective parents would be wise to do this before having kids

* I.e. build contingency plan items into a parenting contract, or adding them to a relationship contract

The Article

The article opens with: “Parent regret is more common than you might think — the r/regretfulparents sub-Reddit alone gets around 70,000 weekly visitors who anonymously commiserate — though stigma makes it hard to admit in real life. Below, three moms of young children talk about why they wish they could go back to their old lives.”

The Cut - I regret having children: https://archive.is/BF3zn

34-year-old Rhode Island mother of a 6-year-old and a 3-year-old

* Didn’t have kids for a strong reason

* “When my husband and I were dating, his deal-breaker was having kids. I didn’t feel the same way, but I didn’t see life without children as an option. It always felt like the next stage of life for us. I remember telling my husband, “I’m worried; I love our life now and I’m not sure what it’s going to look like with a child.””

* Has personal issues which she now has to contend with in her kids (easy to be frustrated, colickey, etc.).

* Struggled with postpartum depression

* Perfectionist

* Got diagnosed with ADHD after suspecting her oldest had it.

* “When my younger daughter struggles to get dressed, I try to distract her or make compromises, but in the end, she’s screaming, and I don’t know how to make it stop, so I just shut down.”

* Is admittedly in the “hell zone” of parenthood (after six, things get awesome)

* She’s not wrong that parents of especially young children are less happy

* But that’s not the point

30-year-old European mother of a 3-year-old

* Grew up sheltered with a stay-at-home mom; married at 22

* Mother said she would help out with a new baby

* Was constrained to bed rest in her fist trimester

* Horrible recovery from birth (painful to move)

* Mother and husband didn’t help that much

* “My husband had a month and a half of paternity leave, but the only helpful thing he did during that time was change her diapers, though he did it with a reluctant expression on his face; I had the feeling he never believed how much pain I was in. My mom helped, but she didn’t like being disturbed at night and even during the day was afraid of holding the baby or changing her. I hallucinated from lack of sleep. It felt like I’d been tricked into this. Everyone who wanted me to have a child — my husband, my family — knew they weren’t going to lose much, while my freedom and identity went down the toilet.”

* Had a history of depression and anxiety

* Turned down a job offer that would require moving because they didn’t want to change their daughter’s preschool

* Worries a LOT about her daughter (i.e. what would happen if I were not here and something happened?)

27-year-old North Carolina mother of a 1-year-old

* Didn’t want kids

* “My husband and I met in middle school. He was always interested in having a big family, and I told him I wasn’t quite sure.”

* Has a history of depression and is now dealing with it in her son perhaps:

* “My son has a low tolerance for frustration and doesn’t communicate other than whining, screaming, crying, throwing things, and pulling my hair.”

* Has body dysmorphia issues

* “During pregnancy, I felt embarrassed. I’ve had body-dysmorphia issues since I was a kid, and I felt so massive. I used to be a track athlete and have always been fit and active, so I didn’t like feeling so heavy and restricted when trying to do the things I’ve always done, like hiking. During my third trimester, I didn’t want to leave the house so that people wouldn’t see me.”

* Different contextualization would have made a huge difference re: body dysmorphia

* Horrible birth experience

* “My son’s birth was also traumatic. His shoulder got stuck in my pelvis and the epidural kept wearing off; the nurses told me it was fine, that I was overthinking. They held me down and jumped on my pelvis to dislodge his shoulder while the doctor reached up and got him out; I still have pain from it. When my son was placed on me, I didn’t feel anything. It was surreal. I told the nurse, “You’ve got to put him back in the bassinet, I’m about to puke.” Then I did, all over myself. No one helped me to the bathroom or showed me how to wash myself.”

* Felt erased as a human being

* “I felt like I’d disappeared as a human being.