The Rise of Parents Who Regret Having Children

In this thought-provoking video, Malcolm and Simone Collins delve into the growing phenomenon of parental regret and its connection to the urban monoculture. They analyze recent articles about parents who regret having children, discussing the potential causes and offering a pronatalist perspective on the issue. The couple explores topics such as high-effort parenting, the importance of objective functions in life, and the psychological impact of the urban monoculture on parenting experiences. They also touch on Eric Holle's piece about the transformative nature of parenthood and offer insights into finding meaning and purpose through raising children. This video provides a comprehensive look at modern parenting challenges and offers potential solutions for those struggling with parental regret.

[00:00:00] This isn't the way that historically people related to kids. If the point of the kids is modifying either your self perception, or your emotional experience of reality kids are actually bad pets. That's They're terrible pets. They're terrible pets. Yeah, kids are not a good pet get up.

No unconditional love. They Are very difficult to potty train house train, etc.

Would you like to know more?

Hello, Simone. I am excited to be talking with you today. Today this conversation was actually inspired to me by an Eric Hole piece. Oh, I saw that! This afternoon, right? Yeah, because Eric made me a better person. And in the piece, he linked to this like new genre of articles about people who hated becoming parents.

So there's a BuzzFeed article, Parents who regret having children are making anonymous confessions online, and it's taboo, but important. And then there was the Atlantic piece, The two reasons parents regret having kids. And then [00:01:00] there's the Time piece, The parents who regret having children, which apparently went viral.

And then there's a business insider piece, six common reasons. Parents don't like their kids or something. And then there's the Newsweek piece. I regret having children. The moms united in an uncomfortable truth. Let's see what this one. So this is Richard Maple, 39 from Ohio after becoming a mother at 31.

And. She says, quote, I think about all the things my life would have been if the constant threat of motherhood hadn't loomed over me like a cloud of doom Maple told Newsweek. I'm resolved to being the best mom to them that I can be because it's not their fault that they're here and they are wonderful small humans who deserve love and guidance.

But do I miss my life without children every single day? And then there's the independent piece. I had no choice. The people who regret becoming parents. And then there's the Sunday morning Herald piece. Having kids is probably the biggest real life regret wife concurs. [00:02:00] It says and then so I'm just reading a quote here from this because I think it's useful to get an understanding of what these people are saying, though.

I love my son. I now know a know myself well enough and be know the challenges of parenting well enough to say that having kids is probably my life's biggest regret, wife concurs. Oh my God. And here's a, here's another quote here. Quote, my wife needed to be a mother. I think she saw all her friends, classmates and cousins having kids.

So she needed to be in this mummy club. Quote, I went along with the things to please her. I was fine was one, but she campaigned for two. I gave in to make her happy. So here we are with the two toddlers. We're both moody, can't stand each other half the time, and have a borderline dead bedroom life. So much for making her happy.

The kids are a pain. It has gotten to the point where I don't enjoy being home anymore. I dread the weekends. I much prefer the [00:03:00] work week where I only have to be a parent for a few hours rather than all day. It's non stop noise, screaming, whining, and fighting.

And this other one says, This is not the life I wanted. My toddler son is a tornado of destruction and will break slash tear slash rip anything he can get his hands on no matter how much I do to wear him out. And the baby predictably is needy because she's a baby. I feel tricked into wanting them by biological urges and the romanticization of the version of kids that isn't close to reality.

Do you want me to keep going? I think you have to. Oh, here's another. I love my kids, but I also regret them deeply. Every one of them. I never wanted any of them. Circumstances explain pretty much why I went through with them all. Imagine the guilt and mental weight of having a bunch of kids you love but never intended or wanted.

And the Guardian piece. It's breaking the taboo. The parents who regret having [00:04:00] children. And then, we get a final piece here in time, the parents who regret having children, which shows in various studies, something like 7 to 15 percent of parents regret having children. Wow. And so first, what are your thoughts on this phenomenon?

I think a lot of what seems to be playing out, at least in the pull quotes they're using is that being dip, that happiness dip that men, but especially women experience when their children, especially our young, the diaper years, as it were after having kids. And this shows up in the research fairly consistently longer there, there's other research that shows that longer term contentedness goes up and that men actually are pretty happy in general.

And that if memory serves, if you live in a nation that has more child care support. You're probably also less unhappy. So there, there are all these factors here, I was actually, I was finishing up the book reasons for having kids that we'll talk about in some other [00:05:00] podcasts, maybe we'll have the authors on.

And it's the book, the author of progressive, highly educated woman herself has a child and then decides to share at the book, what it has been like for her. And she sounds absolutely miserable, like completely miserable. And she even describes this moment. After she had her baby, when she said to her husband, what have we done?

Like our life before was good. And I think what the most predominant problem is with all of these people who share these reports of being fairly miserable and less happy and more stressed after having these babies, especially while the kids are still on the younger end. Is that they are engaged in unsustainable, modern, high effort parenting, which is an aberration.

It's not how people Yeah, this one woman who's talking about her son, who's this hellion, running around, breaking everything, I'm like, have you tried bopping him? I know [00:06:00] you haven't, but you should think about it. There's a reason why people used to do this.

Candy! Dammit, I hate you! You're ruining my life! Please Herbert, remember our agreement. We have an agreement about how CANDY MARSHMALLOWS! GIVE IT TO ME! like this, I just don't know how to make him stop!

CANDY MARSHMALLOWS! ON CANDY MARSHMALLOWS! Have you ever tried beating his ass? HAVE LOST YOUR GODDAMN MIND! MAMA! Not many minutes left. And one of the coauthors of Reasons for Having Children talks about her experience trying to get her child to sleep at night where they just sit next to her.

As she, screams and cries for a different doll and wants mommy but wants daddy But wants all these things and they're making it worse because really what the kid is they're tired and they want to go to bed And if you just leave them alone They'll cry for a little bit because they want attention and they're sad because they're tired But then they'll go to sleep and they'll feel better [00:07:00] And this way effort parenting is what's making everyone miserable But I don't think that this is the core thing that's making the miserable, but I think it is I think it is Because you constantly correct me on this, like I, I've come into