Show full transcript 0:48 because you already know the good stuff 0:49 doesn't stay in stock for long. 0:51 You can check it all out at AE.com or just go to the store 0:56 Nowadays you have certain expectations when you fly like people napping on the airport floor or flying in your pajamas 1:03 You know what? You don't expect free drinks 1:05 But now T-Mobile members get a free premium drink when they fly Delta Airlines 1:10 So just sit back relax and switch to T-Mobile today visit T-Mobile.com slash membership for details. It's better over here 1:19 Get a free premium Delta drink with eligible plan 1:21 and link SkyMiles account 24 hours 1:23 before qualifying flight requirements 1:24 between one-year-old or CT life for terms. 1:26 Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Uber. 1:28 Uber just introduced a new feature 1:29 called Women Preferences, 1:31 which lets women riders request a woman driver 1:34 directly in the app. 1:36 It's honestly an amazing feature 1:37 that gives women more control over their rides. 1:40 Sometimes we all just want a ride 1:41 that feels a little more comfortable and chill. 1:43 So if you haven't used it yet, 1:45 Uber's new Women Preferences feature 1:47 is available now in the Uber app. 1:50 Learn more on the Uber app. 1:52 Hello, Daddy Gang. 1:53 Welcome back to another Sunday session. 1:56 But more importantly, it is football Sunday. 1:59 Do you see this dramatic outfit that I have on? 2:03 I just want to be so clear. 2:04 There's about to be so much drama 2:06 in the Cooper Kaplan household today. 2:08 It is Eagles versus Rams, okay? 2:12 And this year, this year the stakes 2:14 are just a little bit higher 2:15 because we obviously have a new member 2:19 that will be entering the family. 2:21 And this child, this baby, we're trying to figure out, 2:25 is this baby gonna be an Eagles or a Rams fan, okay? 2:28 If Matt has anything to say about it, 2:31 Rams through and through, okay? 2:33 The babies were in blue. 2:34 If the Coopers have anything to say about it, 2:37 Fly Eagles Fly, E-A-G-L-E-S Eagles, okay? 2:42 Okay, so yeah, so today it's gonna be a very heated situation. 2:46 Both sides of our family are coming over to watch the game. 2:50 It's definitely gonna be a shit show. 2:51 Cause we're a lot of big shit talkers. 2:54 I will say every single touchdown scored. 2:56 It's going to just be a justification 2:59 for which team our child needs to be repping, okay? 3:03 And Matt, if you're watching this, 3:04 which you should be because you need to support 3:06 your wife and you watch all my episodes, right? 3:08 I just have to say this. 3:13 Have you bought a Ram's onesie yet for our child? 3:16 I didn't think so. 3:18 I didn't think so, Matt. 3:19 Also shout out to Erin Andrews, 3:21 because after I interviewed her, 3:22 she literally, all of everything I'm wearing 3:25 is from Erin Andrews. 3:26 Listen, I have Eagles gear, 3:28 but when she gave me this little number, 3:30 I said, Matt is gonna hate this, 3:33 and I'm gonna love it so much. 3:36 Okay, honestly, let me just say something. 3:39 Now, you guys know, 3:41 I guess like I like sports obviously, but I love the Eagles and let me just say the Eagles performance last week was so horrific 3:47 So I'm just gonna pray that they have like a little bit of a better showing this week 3:50 So they don't completely embarrass me and I'm not just like showing up here in a full windbreaker just like 3:55 Repping my team and they just all lose horribly Eagles fans 3:58 Can you please show up in the comments so that we wipe out the Rams fans e a g l e s eagles? 4:03 Let's just like get it going in the comments now that we've got 4:06 the Eagles out of our system I 4:09 I wanna talk about the relationship 4:13 that changed you today. 4:16 And no, I don't necessarily mean your first love 4:20 or the person you thought you were going to marry. 4:22 I wanna talk about the relationship 4:24 that changed the trajectory of every relationship 4:28 that came after that for you. 4:30 So maybe they cheated on you. 4:34 Maybe they were an incredible liar. 4:36 Maybe you spent months hearing, no babe, 4:40 she's just a friend, 4:41 only to eventually find out 4:42 that she was very much not just a friend, 4:45 speaking from personal experience. 4:48 Or maybe it wasn't one huge portrayal, right? 4:52 Maybe it was years of inconsistencies 4:54 and half truths and moments 4:55 where something just didn't feel right, 4:58 but every single time you questioned it, 5:00 somehow you ended up being called the crazy one. 5:04 And then eventually maybe you got out 5:07 and you blocked them, you moved away, 5:11 you cried over it to your friends, 5:12 you went to therapy and you moved on. 5:17 Except, did you? 5:20 Did you is the real question today. 5:23 Today I wanna talk about the relationship 5:25 that gave you trust issues 5:27 because even when that relationship ends, 5:31 the truth is the version of you 5:33 who learned how to survive that dynamic is still living and breathing and follows you 5:38 into your next relationships. You start dating someone new and they're doing everything right, 5:43 but you're sitting across from them while they're on their phone and like your eyes 5:46 start switching and you're like, who are they texting? Oh, like why did they just put 5:50 their phone face down? Why haven't they responded to me in an hour when I just 5:54 completely saw them active on Instagram? So they must be lying. And why were they 5:58 being so nice tonight? Like what is the catch? Like are they hiding something? 6:01 Daddy gang, I want you to know, 6:03 I'm coming into this episode fully having lived this. 6:08 This was my life. 6:09 And as lovely and healthy as my marriage is now, 6:13 trust issues have been a huge part of my dating history. 6:16 And honestly, some of those old patterns 6:18 even showed up in the beginning 6:20 of my relationship with my husband. 6:23 Throughout my relationships, I admit, I have done it all. 6:28 I have gone through phones. 6:30 I have interrogated, I've gotten the Instagram password, 6:34 it's so much harder than it seems. 6:36 I've hacked the system before, and I'm not proud of it, 6:40 but it is the truth of what I experience. 6:43 And I know there's a lot of people watching 6:44 who have also done the same. 6:46 And when you have been there, 6:49 you know how far you can take it. 6:51 If anything, like sometimes you're like, 6:52 God, I'm good. 6:54 Like I am talking about you are calculating 6:56 how long someone has been active on Instagram, 6:58 versus how long it took them to text you back. 6:59 And then I'm talking about intentionally sitting across from someone where there is a mirror behind them 7:04 So that you can see what they're doing on their phone through the reflection of the mirror or maybe it's the glasses, right? 7:11 But here's something I understand now that I really could have never understood back then which is I 7:18 wasn't born 7:20 knowing how to do this none of us were born knowing how to do this we learned how to do it and 7:27 And for me, there was one relationship in particular 7:31 that really ingrained this in me and influenced me. 7:37 This was one of my first like really, 7:40 really serious relationships. 7:42 I really thought that I was in love with this person 7:44 and I do believe I was 7:47 for what I was capable of understanding of love 7:50 at the time, right? 7:51 And when I got into this relationship, 7:54 But almost immediately there was a power imbalance. 7:56 He was a little bit older than me. 7:58 He was always busier. 8:00 He was less available. 8:01 And pretty quickly I learned that being in a relationship with this guy meant that my 8:07 nervous system was constantly going to just be all over the place. 8:11 And if he didn't text me back, I would go on Facebook, throwback. 8:17 I would see he's active on Facebook and I would immediately get a pit in my stomach. 8:21 so I would be like refreshing the page, refreshing the page, looking at chat, 8:25 and then maybe I would post something hoping that he would see it, right? 8:28 Maybe he'd finally message me because he saw that I posted a cute picture 8:31 or a new album or I posted something on my wall, and then if he did message me, 8:38 immediately I would get relief, okay? He still likes me, we're good. 8:42 But that was only the half of it. In this relationship dynamic, there were so 8:51 many red flags. And one of them was like, his stories just didn't add up. And I'd 8:56 always feel like something was wrong. And so, understandably, I would ask him 9:01 about it. I would just be like, Hey, this doesn't really make sense. Whenever I did 9:05 that, he would make me feel crazy. And he would say things to me like, I was 9:11 suffocating him, or I'm paranoid, or I don't trust him, and I'm ruining our 9:15 relationship. And so naturally, especially with this power imbalance and this age gap 9:20 and all of it, like I would feel insecure and I would start to feel guilty. And so I inevitably 9:26 would apologize and I would pull back and I would convince myself like shit, like maybe 9:31 I am crazy. Like I'm just acting young. This is embarrassing. I need to stop. I remember 9:37 one situation so clearly that I'm going to share today. So when I met him, he was 9:43 friends with his ex. And his explanation always, I mean, it made sense on paper, right? Like, 9:50 okay, they had the same friend group and everyone hung out together and it would be weird if everyone 9:56 had to pick sides and they couldn't be at the same place as anymore. So like, they've just 10:01 kind of like stayed amicable and they're all in the same friend group. And honestly, 10:04 when I met him, I was completely fine with that. But then whenever we were all together, 10:09 I would notice these tiny things that anyone would notice. 10:14 They would kind of linger at the house parties 10:17 or at the bar and they would talk longer than everyone else 10:21 or they would always kind of like seclude themselves 10:23 in moments and there was just this energy between them 10:26 that understandably made me think wait, 10:30 is this actually just two Xs being amicable 10:33 or are you guys secretly enjoying this a little too much? 10:38 And every time I brought this up to him, he made me feel insane. 10:43 Not only was I jealous and I so paranoid, 10:47 but now I was apparently threatening the entire friend group he had convinced me. 10:52 Like the conversation would quickly become, 10:54 everyone's gonna hate you if you keep making this such a thing. 10:57 You're making it so awkward on everyone. 10:59 Why are you being so insecure? 11:00 Like it's not like that. 11:01 that. And because I already felt like an outsider coming into his group of friends and he was 11:08 older than me, I then had nothing left to do but just question myself. Cause what? I'm 11:13 going to lose him? No. I had to like be like, okay, maybe it is me. Maybe I am being dramatic. 11:18 Maybe I'm seeing something that isn't there. Maybe I just need to chill out. And then 11:25 One night, one stormy night, there was a party 11:30 and I was on the phone with him 11:31 and he told me that he was tired, 11:33 he was gonna stay in, he wasn't gonna go to the party. 11:36 And so I decided, okay, I'm gonna stay into, 11:39 like, you know, since my boyfriend's not going, 11:40 I'm not gonna go to the party. 11:42 And it was mostly his friends. 11:44 And at the time, one of my good friends 11:47 that I made in that friend group ended up calling me 11:49 and convincing me that don't just stay home 11:51 because your boyfriend is not coming. 11:52 like come to the party come with me like let's have a girls night it's gonna be so fun and so I 11:58 said okay I'm great call her daddy is brought to you by 12:17 ritual it seems like everything is connected 12:21 to your gut microbiome don't you feel like that guys we're just hearing that constantly like well 12:25 it always goes back to the gut health and I'm like oh okay so it's the gut health but did you 12:30 know the gut microbiome shifts during pregnancy yeah these are the things I've recently 12:34 learned guys. 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That's Ritual.com slash Call Her Daddy for 25% off your first month. These 13:44 statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product 13:48 is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. 13:51 Call Her Daddy is brought to you by American Eagle. Okay. So fall is almost here and 13:57 the new arrivals from American Eagle, kind of obsessed. 14:01 We're talking sweet dresses, soft sweaters 14:04 you'll want to live in on trend jeans and cargos 14:07 you'll want to wear on repeat. 14:09 And if you see a style you love, grab it now 14:12 because you already know the good stuff doesn't stay 14:14 in stock for long. 14:15 You can check it all out at AE.com 14:17 or just go to the store. 14:20 Daddy gang, I walked into this party 14:26 and I will never forget it, it's a house party, 14:29 I walk in and immediately I look like into the living room 14:34 and he's sitting on like a lounge-ish chair 14:38 and his ex is sitting on his lap 14:42 and they're like in each other's faces, 14:44 fully flirting, staring into each other's eyes, 14:46 having like a complete alone moment. 14:49 And there is me, it's like this scene from Tell Me Lies, 14:53 Like I felt like Lucy in the fucking coconut bra I'm like such an idiot. I like dressed all cute 14:58 I think I had like a little like denim mini skirt on with a tube top and my fucking straightened hair and I just 15:07 froze 15:10 Because suddenly every little thing I had been noticing was right in front of me 15:15 I was not imagining it. I was not crazy 15:18 he had literally lied to me. 15:20 This man was supposed to be in his pajamas, 15:22 watching like Seinfeld with his dad. 15:24 And meanwhile, he is fully at this party, 15:29 hanging out with his ex on his lap, 15:32 probably with his dick hard. 15:35 And so after I am staring at them 15:39 like blinking multiple times, 15:40 like capturing this in my head, 15:43 seeing them plain and clear, 15:44 I just stormed out of the house and he saw me 15:50 and everyone saw me and he followed me outside of the house. 15:53 And instead of saying, I am so sorry, 15:57 this man proceeded to scream at me. 16:00 He is in my face screaming at me. 16:03 And he started saying things like, 16:05 you're so fucking insane. 16:07 Why would you show up to this party? 16:09 You're like stalking me. 16:10 And now I was apparently the one that caused the scene. 16:16 To the point where the argument also got so heated 16:18 that other people came outside and had to intervene 16:21 and tell him to stop screaming at me. 16:24 And it was so, I was so mortified, I was so embarrassed. 16:28 I remember just being completely frozen. 16:31 Like my words couldn't cut. 16:32 I didn't even know what to say. 16:34 Because somehow even after seeing this with my own eyes, 16:39 he was so committed to convincing me that I was the problem and I was like a 16:45 weird stalker and it was weird that I showed up and like I'm obsessed with him 16:50 and his friend group and I'm standing there and I literally start 16:54 questioning what I had just witnessed and I'm thinking like was I overreacting 17:01 like maybe it wasn't like sexual that she was sitting on his lap and it's 17:05 like, no, Alex, his ex-girlfriend who he has been inside of 17:09 is on his lap. 17:11 He lied to you. 17:12 This man told you he wasn't coming to the party 17:14 to make sure that you were not the party. 17:17 And then I'm feeling like an idiot. 17:19 I'm realizing, oh my God, his friends knew more 17:21 than they had ever let on, 17:22 but obviously they're his friends. 17:23 They're not gonna tell me. 17:25 So now it's like, okay, now it's not 17:27 that I just can't trust him. 17:28 I also felt like I couldn't trust 17:30 the entire environment around me. 17:32 and I just felt so suffocated and I felt like an idiot and I literally I think the most messed up part 17:41 to be honest when I look back at this girl and I can't relate to her but I empathize with her 17:47 is like eventually he talked his way back in but something I think when I think back to that 17:58 young girl who was going through this like something had changed in me because now my brain had tangible 18:05 proof and it was like I had the gut feeling, everyone told me the feeling was wrong and I think 18:13 once I decided to take him back it's like I stopped listening to myself. I stopped trusting 18:20 myself even though I was right the whole time and that was so sad. It's almost like in that 18:27 moment when everyone's staring at me, I had a decision to make of whether to like be the 18:31 fucking boss bitch to be like, go fuck yourself. I'm leaving or stay and I stayed. And so I 18:40 stayed. And then the next time that I had that feeling with him, of course, I investigated 18:46 it right. But this is where I think we have to understand something that is really 18:52 important about understanding trust issues is like sometimes hyper vigilance develops because at one 18:59 point the hyper vigilance worked, right? Every time I went looking and found something my brain 19:06 got another piece of evidence of like see good thing you checked and every time I ignored my gut 19:13 and then later found out that he lied I was like see this is why you never let your guard down 19:21 And slowly I was basically, I didn't realize it at the time, 19:24 but I was training my brain and my body to watch and observe 19:27 and analyze and to anticipate and to never get caught 19:31 off guard because getting caught off guard hurts 19:34 and it's embarrassing and it makes you look like an idiot. 19:36 So even if I take him back, it's like, yeah, but I knew, 19:39 but I knew, but like we worked it out, 19:41 but like I knew. 19:45 And I also think it's important to recognize like 19:48 it wasn't miserable all the time, right? 19:51 I think every girl can relate to this. 19:52 like, it's important to note because these relationships, if they were just horrible every 19:57 second of the freaking day, most of us would probably not stay in them. There were moments 20:02 that felt so incredible with this person. Like, yes, I would confront him. Yes, we would fight. 20:08 And then one of us would apologize to me. And then we would have this amazing night and he 20:13 would make me feel so loved and chosen and like nothing else in the world could possibly 20:18 compared to what we had until the cycle started over again. And at the time, I thought that was 20:25 love and I thought the intensity meant that we just had this insane connection. But when someone 20:33 repeatedly takes away your sense of security and then gives it back to you, getting it back 20:39 can feel so incredible. You can become addicted to the relief you experience when the person 20:47 then you're seeing temporarily stops treating you so horribly. 20:51 And you're like, oh, I feel better now. 20:54 And then, oh my God, I don't feel good anymore 20:56 because I'm feeling triggered 20:57 and I think my trust issues are flaring up 20:58 and oh my God, we made up. 21:00 Even though I just caught him cheating, 21:01 but like we're back and it's gonna be different this time. 21:03 And so this cycle that my nervous system 21:06 started to get used to, all of this was just a lot. 21:10 But I was in love and I put up with a lot 21:13 and eventually I got out. 21:16 But I will be honest, it literally took me physically leaving the state to get away from 21:22 this person. 21:23 I went to college in Boston and I remember I got there for pre-season for soccer and 21:28 we were talking on the phone, we were texting, but then suddenly I just was busy and there 21:33 was distance between us and I couldn't spend the entire day obsessing over what he was 21:38 doing and stalking his social media. 21:39 And so slowly, without even like fully realizing it, 21:44 the hold that that relationship had on me started to loosen. 21:49 Or at least I thought it did. 21:53 Because I think here's the sad part. 21:57 Yes, I left him in that relationship in Pennsylvania, 22:00 but I brought everything that that relationship had taught me to Boston. 22:08 And without consciously realizing it, 22:11 I started seeking out relationships 22:12 that felt like the one I had just escaped. 22:17 I found men in Boston who would just 22:20 reactivate all of my trust issues. 22:22 And because it was exactly what I understood 22:25 and I knew it was my first love. 22:27 So I thought this is what it is, right? 22:30 And I think here's where it kind of gets interesting 22:33 for any of my girls who've been through this 22:35 because I then also dated a guy who wasn't like that at all. 22:40 So my freshman year of college, 22:42 I started dating this hockey player and going into it, 22:45 I immediately thought, oh my God, 22:47 this guy is gonna be exactly what I'm used to. 22:49 I can already tell. 22:50 He's a hot, popular college hockey player. 22:54 And so my brain obviously is like, 22:55 there is no way this man is trustworthy. 22:58 Except he was. 23:01 This guy could not have been a better guy, 23:04 couldn't have been nicer. We would literally go out to the bars. He would tell me exactly his plans, 23:09 where he was going, what his friends and him were doing. Invite me and my friends. He would show up 23:13 on time. He would buy everyone drinks. He wasn't flirting with other girls. He would even wait so 23:18 that we could all leave together, make sure we all got home safe, even my friends. Like, 23:23 Daddy Gang, this was literally every girl's dream college boyfriend. And instead of enjoying it, 23:30 I started convincing myself this can't be real this has to be fake there has to 23:37 be something like no one's this nice no guy is this honest there has to be 23:42 something I'm missing like I've lived this before he's also a hockey player 23:45 like there's no fucking way he's actually being honest and I had no real 23:50 concrete evidence and so what did I do sometimes we would be drinking and I 23:58 I would pick a fight and I would say something like, 24:00 well, I saw you talking to the other girl across the bar 24:04 and he'd be like, Alex, 24:06 I genuinely don't know what you're talking about. 24:08 Like that is my friend's girlfriend. 24:10 Like it's nothing. 24:11 But I realized when I look back 24:13 that I kept trying to pull him into this dynamic 24:17 that I understood and then understandably, 24:22 eventually he was so exhausted by it. 24:26 And the hardest part too when I look back 24:27 Cause like everyone around me could see it. 24:29 My friends were like, Alex, what are you doing? 24:31 Why are you doing this to yourself? 24:32 Like he's so into you. 24:35 And I think somewhere inside of me, like I knew that too. 24:39 I knew he was a good guy. 24:41 I knew he really cared about me, 24:42 but eventually I ended up breaking up with him 24:45 because I think the guilt became so overwhelming. 24:49 I became self-aware enough to realize like, 24:51 this is so unfair to this man. 24:53 I'm basically torturing this man. 24:54 And then I had to watch him move on with someone else 24:57 and treat her perfectly and that really hurt. 25:00 Cause I could see by him treating her so well, 25:03 there was a part of me thinking like, 25:05 why, why couldn't I enjoy that? 25:08 Why couldn't I have enjoyed the peace when I had it? 25:13 And then I'm like, oh, cause I'm so fucked up 25:16 from my first X that fucked my whole head up 25:18 that I don't believe that anything, 25:21 any man is gonna tell me is the truth 25:23 because why would I write? 25:26 At that point in my life, I genuinely believed there had to be ulterior motives with a guy. 25:32 And I think there was another piece of it that was even harder for me to admit, which is sick, 25:43 but it's like a part of me wanted him to do the dance with me. 25:46 I wanted the friction, I wanted to fight and question and get into these arguments 25:52 and then, you know, have this incredible relief 25:55 of making up and coming back together. 25:59 Because again, that's what I knew as love. 26:03 And when he wouldn't do that with me, I got bored. 26:07 And so, what did I end up doing? 26:10 I eventually moved on and I found someone 26:12 who was a professional at giving me trust issues. 26:17 Let me just put it this way. 26:18 If my high school boyfriend was like in the minor leagues, 26:21 when I tell you the man that I ended up seeing in Boston, 26:26 he was in the major leagues, 26:27 literally and figuratively of triggering my trust issues. 26:32 Okay, I remember meeting this man and being like, 26:36 oh my God, we're back baby. 26:39 This is, this feels incredible. 26:43 This feels incredible. 26:44 The rush is back. 26:45 I'm alive again. 26:46 It's like, no, you dumb bitch. 26:48 You're all to get fucked up again. 26:49 but it was like, I really, really, really confused intensity in a relationship with intimacy. 26:58 Again, because how could I not? My first formative relationship was just that. 27:20 Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Zip Recruiter. Okay, so picture this. You are sitting down 27:28 for a dinner on a first date. Drinks are ordered, food's on the way, 27:32 and you're actually excited about this person. 27:36 But now it's time. 27:38 We've done the small talk 27:39 and now we have to ask this man the real hard questions. 27:43 Like, are you looking for something serious? 27:46 Have you had a girlfriend before? 27:47 Do you have a headboard? 27:49 Or are you still rocking navy blue sheets? 27:51 You gotta ask the right questions early 27:53 to see if someone is actually right for you, right? 27:56 And Daddy Gang, the same thing goes for hiring. 28:00 That is why you need zip recruiter. 28:02 When you post a job, Zip Recruiter suggests screening questions to help you 28:07 basically find top candidates faster. And today you can try it for free at 28:14 ZipRecruiter.com slash daddy. 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That's why for me it took a lot of time. Eventually, after enough 30:16 games and tears and heartbreak, and honestly, just like growing up, I think I literally just 30:20 got tired. I was like, I'm tired. What is that quote from holes? 30:24 Grandpa, I'm tired. Like I don't want to do this anymore. 30:28 And the rush wasn't the same anymore because I had done it so many times and 30:33 I just wanted peace. I was like, 30:35 honestly peace will give me the rush at this point. 30:38 Now being fucked over and having the trust issues, like I'm numb to it, 30:42 but the problem was that I didn't know how to 30:46 to exist inside of peace. 30:49 I literally didn't know how that would work 30:51 in a relationship. 30:51 I didn't know what that looked like 30:53 aside from my parents. 30:54 And I was also convinced that my parents were like 30:56 an anomaly. 30:57 I was like, no one is gonna be like my dad. 30:59 No one's gonna treat me like my dad treats my mom. 31:01 So like that's impossible. 31:02 My first relationship taught me that. 31:03 Everyone's a cheater, everyone's a liar. 31:05 And so I just have to accept it. 31:06 Like I was like, da, da, da, da, da, da. 31:08 And then I met Matt. 31:14 And from the beginning, 31:15 I could immediately tell like there was something different about this man and 31:21 By this point when I met Matt, I had done like some work on myself. I had been in therapy 31:26 I had investigated those childhood wounds. I'd never really looked at before 31:31 I had matured a little bit and I was definitely interested in something more serious 31:37 But let me tell you something 31:40 wanting, wanting a healthy relationship and actually knowing how to be in one are two 31:46 very, very, very, very different things. 31:52 Matt from the day I met him was so incredibly direct. 31:57 And that was one of the things that I loved so much about him. 32:01 It was like this breath of fresh air where like, I'm like, wait, there's no games. 32:05 I was like, is this a game? 32:06 Is this the game that there is no game like not me trying to be like this has to be a game that there's no game 32:12 And it's like he's literally like you're a crazy bitch like I'm just being straight up with you 32:16 What are you doing? Like if he said he was going to call 32:20 he called 32:22 If he said, you know, he's going on a trip or a bachelor party or he's traveling for work 32:26 And he told me, you know, like what he was doing and then he would do that and he would 32:33 communicate to me throughout those trips and he would call me at the time that he said he was going 32:39 to call me and he would send me pictures and he was like not shady and somehow some way even though 32:46 that's exactly what now looking for a healthy relationship that's what I said I wanted 32:52 there was still parts of me that were fucked up from the past that was like waiting for the 33:00 shoot a drop. 33:01 Like, okay, I just kept thinking like, 33:03 when are you gonna prove me right? 33:04 Like, and so I will say because he just was so great 33:09 in the beginning, I then decided that I'm gonna test him 33:13 just like I did to the guy that I did in college 33:14 who was a good guy. 33:15 And I remember specifically one instance comes to mind. 33:21 I remember it was early in our relationship, 33:23 things were getting more serious 33:25 and I went to the Hamptons with Lauren. 33:28 And I could not have been more inconsiderate that trip, truly. 33:34 I was such a fucking bitch, I went out, I was posting all over social media, I was hardly 33:39 answering Matt. 33:41 And when I look back, I realize I was just trying to create the chaos myself. 33:49 Things were going too well in our relationship. 33:51 And I think that honestly scared me so much. 33:54 and some part of me was like, 33:56 there is no way that this lasts. 33:58 Let me just, let me be the one to prove it. 34:02 And maybe I'd push him and push him and push him enough 34:05 that finally, you know, he'd finally get a little shady 34:10 or he would retaliate or he would pull away. 34:12 And then I could say, see, I knew it. 34:14 See, everyone's the same as my first boyfriend. 34:16 It always happens. 34:17 They always fuck you over. 34:18 But thank God, Matt was a mature adult 34:23 because he didn't let, he didn't meet me in the pettiness. 34:27 If anything, he just called me out. 34:29 And I remember him basically being like, 34:31 what are you doing? 34:32 Like I was so hungover. 34:34 I remember one morning I'm laying in bed in the Hamptons 34:35 and he's literally like, what are you doing? 34:37 Like who is this person? 34:39 Like I know the woman that I'm falling in love with 34:42 and you're, this is not her. 34:44 Like what is happening? 34:45 Go have fun with your friends. 34:46 But why are you trying to push me away? 34:48 Like this isn't making sense. 34:52 And I felt really stupid, and I remember we debriefed afterwards when I got back to LA. 34:58 And honestly, I couldn't even fully explain to him why I had done it. 35:04 And looking back, it definitely was self-sabotage. 35:08 I finally had the piece that I had been asking for, and my first instinct was to see if 35:12 I could turn it back into chaos. 35:15 and that I think was a really pivotal and eye-opening moment for me and our 35:20 relationship overall because for the first time I was aware enough to recognize 35:27 the pattern while I was still in it and that gave me some control over then what 35:34 I was gonna do next right when I look back at the college guy that was 35:37 treating me right it's like I so self-sabotage so hard and then I had 35:41 to look at him in a new relationship being like wow I kind of fucked that 35:43 with Matt it was like I was holding on for dear life being like no no no no we've 35:48 been here before he's showing no signs of being anything but honest listen to this 35:54 man Alex and listen to maybe actually don't listen to your gut actually fuck 35:59 the gut just go with the facts babe because your gut is fucked up and it's 36:04 been for almost a decade and I remember admitting to Matt like this is 36:12 something I do, this is coming from my past, I have been cheated on before, and I do not want 36:20 this to keep interfering with our relationship. And I think just being able to have that conversation 36:26 openly instead of like acting out the pattern without understanding it, it gave us something to 36:31 actually work through together. Because then Matt was like, okay, I can so understand, like if 36:37 you're saying this is all because of trust issues and because you've been cheated on, like, 36:40 I really appreciate you sharing that with me because now I know why you're acting a certain way 36:46 And also I can do my part in making you feel even more secure and confident and just giving you even a little bit more 36:53 reassurance in certain moments that I wouldn't have thought of but if you need that I got you 36:59 But when something is that deeply ingrained in you where you have been cheated on in the past when you have been lied to 37:06 Guys one 37:08 Conversation doesn't just magically fix all of this, right? 37:13 And that's the annoying part. 37:14 I wish we could be like, okay, we see it, we're moving on. 37:17 But no, and this is I think where trust issues 37:20 can get really tricky because maybe you've now 37:25 finally met a good person, right? 37:27 And you genuinely want the healthy relationship 37:30 but your brain is still, 37:32 it's like it's running on the old software, okay? 37:35 We haven't done the update yet. 37:37 You keep saying I'll do it later, 37:38 I'll do it later, I'll do it later. 37:39 And so your ex used to cheat 37:41 When he went out with his friends and now your new boyfriend says he's going out with the boys on Friday night 37:46 Nothing has happened, but your body understandably 37:50 You're already there, right? You're like, oh, I know it's gonna happen tonight 37:53 Your ex used to become distant right before you discover something so now your partner has a busy week at work 37:59 Not texting you too much immediately. You're like 38:02 He's being shady. He's pulling away. Maybe your ex hid messages. You guys remember 38:07 I found text on an iPad and it was all disaster and nudes and all this 38:11 So then when you then see a new partner 38:13 put their phone face down on the table, 38:16 meanwhile they're probably actually trying 38:17 to just like give you more attention, 38:18 but you're like, oh my God, 38:20 someone is literally sending him pictures 38:22 of their nipples right now. 38:24 And that's why it's face down. 38:25 And it's like, no, no, no. 38:29 But your mind can't help but be racing. 38:31 You're like, what is he hiding? 38:33 Like what, show me, show me the pictures. 38:37 And suddenly you're checking locations, 38:38 you're monitoring social media. 38:40 You guys know the whole thing. 38:41 You're testing, you're picking fights, you're blowing the whole thing up. 38:45 And maybe even you're threatening to leave because somewhere inside of you leaving them 38:49 feels safer than waiting to find out whether they'll leave you and whether they'll fuck 38:53 you over. 38:53 And in your mind, you're just protecting yourself. 38:56 But eventually I do think you have to ask, am I responding to the person sitting in 39:02 front of me or am I responding to the person who hurt me five years ago? 39:08 I also want to be careful here because if you're the person struggling with 39:14 trust issues, girl, I see you. You are. You're a 24-hour security guard over there. 39:20 You're like, I'm on call. I'm on call. My eyes will never close. I am right here. I 39:28 have all my screens up. You can't get anything by me. You're never taking a 39:32 shift off. But I do think it's important to kind of flip it almost and 39:37 and like talk about it from the perspective 39:40 of the person on the other side of this, 39:42 which is your partner. 39:43 Guys, imagine, imagine if you are 39:46 with someone who's trying to be healthy with you, 39:47 imagine constantly having to prove your innocence 39:50 for a crime someone else committed. 39:53 Like your partner is sitting there, 39:55 they explain where they were, 39:58 they show you their phone, they reassure you, 40:01 they even are over explaining completely normal things 40:04 is because they're like, I'm so terrified 40:07 that you're gonna just like misinterpret this 40:09 and I'm trying and I'm trying 40:10 and eventually your partner is going to start thinking, 40:13 what could I possibly do 40:15 that is ever gonna be enough for this person? 40:17 And that's the tragedy of this dynamic 40:20 is like one person is desperately trying to feel safe, 40:23 while the other person is desperately trying 40:25 to feel trusted. 40:27 And I think without conscious work, 40:29 both people can end up feeling completely 40:32 misunderstood and completely alone. 40:51 Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Haagen Dazs. 40:54 Okay it is so important to take some me time. 40:58 You know what I mean guys? So take your sweet time and enjoy 41:01 rich smooth creamy ice cream from Haagen Dazs 41:04 because honestly when was the last time you actually slowed down and let 41:08 yourself have a moment for you. You have to try their new 41:12 cherry dark chocolate bar guys. Picture rich cherry ice cream 41:17 with tart cherry ribbons coated in thick dark chocolate. 41:20 Are you kidding me? 41:21 I'm drooling, are you drooling yet? 41:22 No, seriously, this is the kind of thing 41:24 you don't just eat, you experience it. 41:27 Okay, Haagen-Dazs, elevated crafted ice cream 41:29 is always meant to be savored. 41:31 So whatever flavor you choose, 41:32 slow down and enjoy each bite. 41:34 Seriously, it's too good to rush. 41:36 I grew up with Haagen-Dazs in my house. 41:38 Every single night, my family and I 41:40 would eat our favorite flavors. 41:42 I'm obsessed with the cherry dark chocolate bar. 41:45 Those flavors together, 41:46 I couldn't be happier. I'm gonna watch my favorite TV shows and I'm gonna be eating that boom done 41:50 Take your sweet time. That's Daz available at retailers nationwide 41:55 Call her daddy is brought to you by American Eagle. Okay 41:58 So fall is almost here and the new arrivals from American Eagle kind of obsessed 42:04 We're talking sweet dresses soft sweaters 42:08 You'll want to live in on trend jeans and cargoes 42:11 you'll want to wear on repeat. 42:13 And if you see a style you love, 42:15 grab it now because you already know 42:17 the good stuff doesn't stay in stock for long. 42:19 You can check it all out at AE.com 42:22 or just go to the store. 42:26 And so now you're like, okay. 42:30 So how do we break that pattern? 42:32 What do we do? 42:33 Listen, I'm not gonna sit here and tell you 42:36 that by the end of this episode, 42:37 you're going to magically trust anyone 42:40 and just be like, all right, we're solved. 42:42 like this is not how it works. It definitely wasn't linear for me. I regressed, I messed up, I spiraled 42:51 because when you have trust issues you want certainty. You think if I could just see the phone 42:58 then I'm gonna relax. So you see the phone and then you relax for an hour and then you're like 43:03 okay but what about deleted messages? And so now you need a password and then you need the 43:08 location and then you need to know who the girl is and then you need and it 43:11 just keeps going. You need the reassurance that he loves you. 43:14 It's like there will always be one more thing you could check and that I've 43:18 realized is such a trap because a feeling safe requires eliminating every 43:24 possible opportunity for someone to betray you. 43:27 You're never going to feel safe at some point trust requires tolerating the 43:32 fact that you cannot know everything. And I think this is where Matt ultimately 43:39 really changed things for me. It wasn't one huge moment where I suddenly 43:46 decided like, okay, I trust this man. No, it happened really slowly because 43:53 every time that old instinct came up of like, should I go through his text? 43:57 Should I check his location? Should I investigate this? There was another 44:01 option available to me that I had never really had before. I could just ask him. 44:10 I could just say, hey, I'm feeling insecure about this. My past is kind of 44:14 triggering this for me. And instead of being met with, you're crazy. Why would 44:20 you even think that? You're ruining our relationship. You're psycho. Matt would 44:25 basically just be like, I'm so sorry you're feeling that way. Let's talk about 44:27 about it. Yeah, of course. What? What a concept. He didn't make every fear I had his responsibility 44:37 to fix, but he also didn't punish me for having those fears from my fucked up past. And then 44:45 I think even more importantly, he kept showing up consistently again and again and again. 44:52 He'd say what he was doing, what he was going to do, and then he would do it. 44:58 And slowly all of these tactics that I had learned, the snooping, the investigating, 45:02 the reading between every line, I didn't need to use them anymore. 45:07 Because now it was like I was collecting a completely different kind of evidence. 45:13 And I think that is what trust actually became for me.
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